A list proving I am not as competent as I like to believe.

Alternatively, “A list of things Lyndsay does not understand.” Mostly about people and their motivations.

  • Why people scream in fear, more than just being surprised. Why people call out for specific people in traumatic events, despite those people not being present. For context, crime dramas wherein a victim is abducted by a murderer or rapist. Screaming isn’t going to solve any problems, and whoever you’re asking for probably isn’t coming to help you. To a degree I understand that fear decreases mental capacity in everyone, but I will never understand why being loud ever overrides the instinct to shut up and hide. I feel like that is basic prey instinct.
  • People who crowd around crime scenes. In the same context. Why would you want to see, potentially, someone dead from likely violent means? Why would you want to lay eyes on something horrific and traumatizing? That’s sick. Go home and watch the news later and you’ll get all the details you need.
  • Prospectors, spelunkers, bomb techs, SWAT members, commercial fishermen, millworkers, etc. Basically any profession that puts you in constant and immediate physical danger.
  • Exterior doors made primarily (or entirely) of glass, or which open outward. This just seems like a significant safety hazard.
  • Why children terrorize each other. Bullying at all really. In any form: physical “fights” (meaning, “beatings”), verbal attacks, mean-spirited pranks, and even smaller upsets like telling scary stories that upset one another, or chasing one another, screaming, through playgrounds. Moreover, parents who brush this off and fail to recognize that childhood traumas like this can seriously affect growing personalities.
  • Why people find the need to be part of things that are bigger than themselves. Then again, I am insufferably selfish.
  • Food which is impossible to eat. Whether for being outrageously spicy or ridiculously proportioned. I feel like this is a distinctly American phenomenon. Why would you waste an amount of food that could feed 3-4 people by designing a “challenge” for one person alone to complete? See also: competitive eating. Moreover, why we reward such gluttonous, wasteful undertakings.
  • Parental pet names. People who call their significant others/sexual partners “Daddy,” and “Papi,” and “Mama.” I just. How does that not put you into a headspace about your parents? How is that sexy?
  • Why people live in areas of high-risk weather. Tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, high snow- or rainfall, low rainfall/drought-susceptible/desert areas, extreme temperature, in any kind of proximity to volcanoes. These things are immediate risk not only to your health, but bodily safety.
  • How people drop accents when they sing. There are many articles on the Internet about this, equating it to the elongation of syllables. I don’t believe it.
  • How to pronounce names that begin with “Ng.” “Ing?” “Nig?” A sort of nasal N sound?
  • Non-sequitur name diminutives. Peg from Margaret. Loz from Lauren. Katie from Catherine. Libby from Elizabeth. Jim from James. Bill from William. Dick from Richard. Bob from Robert. Linguistically this just makes no sense.
  • The name Guy. Not the French that’s pronounced with a long E sound. The English pronunciation. That’s like naming your dog “Dog.” Also, people who name their dogs Dog. I suppose I’m still the kind of Romantic that thinks names are supposed to mean something.
  • Why all police file boxes on television look like they’ve been sitting in improperly insulated warehouses for 20 years, even if they were just built on-screen. Are your materials just that bad?
  • High-waisted pants. Unless you weigh about 100 pounds soaking wet or have a flat body shape, there is no way those are comfortable. These are, however, better than high-waisted shorts, which just look like diapers, honestly.
  • Why cats like crinkly things. There is no way that this mimics any natural prey item. How is it enjoyable?
  • Patellar reflex tests. Y’know, when the doctor bangs on your knee with that dense rubber mallet. I can see you doing it. I am prepared for you to hit me. What kind of reaction am I supposed to give? What information do you glean from this test? That I can consciously overcome my natural nervous response?
  • People who find Benedict Cumberbatch attractive. Literally how. There is nothing in the composition of his features which comes anywhere close to the golden ratio.
  • Why peeling things apart feels so satisfying. The plastic off your new electronic device, the backing off an adhesive surface, the dried-on beauty mask off your face, the dead skin off your sunburn. My theory on this has something to do with inherited instinct on the last: sunburns and scabs, peeling off the dead layer of skin to reveal new, healthy skin beneath. It is kind of an amazing thing.
  • People who have to relate every good, beautiful, or amazing thing to “the glory of God.” Literally anything, from natural events to getting green lights on the morning commute. But more on religion in a later post.

disclaimer: if any of these things for which i have expressed distaste are your cup of tea, all the power in the world to you. you do what makes you happy, what makes you you. i have no hate.

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